5 Ways to Become a Boss Ass B*tch

Perhaps you’ve noticed an increase of women sharing vulnerable stories, becoming more confident, finding happiness.  Perhaps you wonder, how can I become a boss ass bitch like these fabulous kweens?  WELL, HONEY SUGAR SHOES, YA’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!

So ya want to be a Boss Ass Bitch?  Dope.  I fully support you, sister.  If you’re like me, you’ve had enough of feeling shitty and you’re ready to become that person you know you could become –– if only someone would just tell you how.  

Read on for 5 ways to become a powerful, unlocked, and confident woman. 

1. Challenge your beliefs.

One of the biggest disservices we can do to ourselves, is not revisiting the things we learned to believe growing up.  

We forget to revisit the negative opinions we accepted about ourselves as children.  The ego –– or who we think we are –– does NOT like to be challenged.  It doesn’t like to be wrong so, to protect our sense of self, we avoid challenging our past beliefs with our adult perspective.  We avoid challenging our past beliefs by justifying them from our adult perspective.

neon signage

If you were now to fundamentally revisit the labels you assigned  yourself as a kid –– perhaps stupid, lazy, broken, sad –– you may be surprised to find that there’s little evidence to confirm you are any of those things.  

Maybe we’re not as stupid as we thought, maybe we just learn in a different way?  Maybe we’re not awkward, maybe we just weren’t encouraged to be our authentic selves?  

Choosing a New Lens

As an adult with agency, you can choose to look at yourself and the world through a new lens.  Ask yourself, is this crappy thing something I really want to believe?  Ask yourself the question, to whom exactly do you appear [insert crappy thing you say about yourself], allowing you to feel shitty?

You may have experienced something tragic or something very few people endure and feel as though something has been taken from you.  First, I’m so sorry that was part of your journey.  Second, I lovingly urge you to ask yourself:  Does holding onto a painful experience make your life more peaceful and enjoyable?  Or more tumultuous and devastating?  If the latter, what needs to change for you to experience peace? 

It is imperative that we revisit the dehumanizing internal chatter we’ve absorbed over a lifetime of conditioning and quit trying to live up to the expectation of being “good” enough for others.  

2. Take Responsibility for What You Choose to Believe.

Your insecurities shaped how you saw and felt about yourself.  Those insecurities alter your perception of the world, as well as your awareness of that perception. 

When my perspective began to shift, I saw more and more how I’d been making myself more unhappy than necessary.  I’d constantly relive what went wrong in my life; wishing things had been different.  But wishing things were different (living in the past?) would never change those things unless I made the decision in this moment to stop sabotaging my enjoyment of life on Earth, while I still have it.

big pile of books on wooden stool

We erroneously believe our view of reality is objective –– that we’re not influenced by our personal feelings or opinions in considering and representing facts.   In reality, we’re really having a subjective experience –– where we are influenced by those personal feelings and opinions.  

Without intending to, we seek out evidence in our day-to-day to prove –– to our sense of self (the ego) –– that all the negative beliefs we hold of ourselves are true.  This is how we rationalize our negative [aka supremely warped] view of ourselves.  This is when we can fall into denial.

Accepting responsibility is a skill that can be learned.  It takes practice and effort ––  just like every other new skill we learn.  Refusing to accept responsibility is choosing to arrest one’s development: a difficult life made harder due to working against the flow of where your mind, body, and soul would like to evolve into.  Because of trauma, immaturity, denial, or fixed-mindsets,  if we refuse to take responsibility for how we perceive ourselves and life, we become victims to life, giving up our autonomy in hopes something beyond us will save us from a crummy life.   

blackboard with your life matters inscription on black background
Photo by Brett Sayles on

Many people believe life is not supposed to be difficult.  But life is difficult.  That’s what life is.  Emotional maturity comes when we finally throw our hands up and say, “you know what?  I don’t want to be fucking miserable anymore, it feels like fucking shit.  This can’t be all that life has to offer.”

3. Define Your Values.

Values are  essentially a decision-making guide that dictates our behaviors.  Clearly defined values allow you to live in greater alignment with the person you’d like to become.  When you articulate the values you hold most dear, you will begin to gravitate towards the direction in which you’d like to move. 

Ask Yourself:

a). Who do you admire?  What qualities of theirs do you admire?  Which of those qualities would you like to have for yourself?  What do you dislike in others?

b). In what values do you believe?  What are you most passionate about?  What values make you feel your best, most peaceful self?

Once you identify these values, make your decisions with these values in mind.  The more often you allow your values to guide you over impulse reactions, the more you will learn to trust yourself, the more proud of yourself you’ll become, and the more you’ll become someone you admire for yourself.  That’s part of what creates a solid sense of self-pride and self-worth.

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4. Work At It A BIT Every Day, Okurr?

Reading something like this once won’t result genuine change. It takes practice and mindfulness. While it feels easier to avoid this work in the short-term –– avoiding it does more harm than good. This work requires effort. This work is absolutely essential to move towards personal freedom and a more meaningful life.

abstract blackboard bulb chalk

Challenging that which you’ve believed for a lifetime, will take effort.  You did not become this way overnight, nor will you become a different person overnight.  It will be a challenge FER SHER (but since when do you back down from a challenge?!)  

Try to anticipate moments where you might not feel like a badass and plan how you’d like to respond in advance so you’re not blindsided if that worst case scenario pops up unexpectedly.  

5. Speak Up.

People are naturally multi-dimensional, anyone who appears not to be, isn’t showing all parts of their authentic self.  

cheerful young woman screaming into megaphone

For a while, I felt like I’d been lying about who I really was.  Around different folks, evolved different versions of me.  It’s the “curse of the good girl” to be a social chameleon.  Be agreeable and don’t rock the boat.  Don’t be too much or too little of anything.  I acted one way around family, a different way around friends, and a different way around guys I liked.  It was ingrained in me, the need to be liked and accepted.  As a result, I’d happily abandon my pov and what made me an individual person in order to vibe with whoever I was with.  I pretended to like stuff I didn’t;  laughed at jokes I didn’t like.  My values were placed on the importance of others above the importance of myself (not in a self-absorbed way but that’s a whole other article!!).

Story Time

A few years ago at a party, some guys made a sexist joke in front of everyone. All the women looked around at each other and rolled their eyes.   Rather than letting this “joke” slide, I spoke up. Addressing the other women, I said, “Wait, why is this okay?  Why aren’t we saying anything?  We all looked at each other and we all didn’t like that joke, why are we letting this be okay?”

persons hand doing thumbs up

This was in front of the sexist dumdums, so of course their response was, “relax, it’s a joke,”  (because they’re committed to their belief that they’re funny and I’m oversensitive/overreacting (but it’s not overreacting to ask to be treated with dignity).  I didn’t need to tolerate that shit –– that behavior isn’t funny.  Buuuut because of patriarchy and delicate egos and whatever –– these hooligans have a warped sense of what’s funny.  In my opinion, good humor is clever –– not at the expense of other people.  

I can take a joke –– I just don’t see why making fun of others is funny.”  Low quality jokes assert one type of person is superior over another and that just isn’t true. I expect higher quality jokes and you can, too.


Life doesn’t happen to us, it happens by us.  Accept that the journey will require discomfort.  To change those limiting beliefs, you will need to accept that you may be wrong about some things you believe.

Challenge what you choose to believe and take responsibility for your thoughts. Question every belief you hold about yourself and others and compare it to who you are today.  Align your sense of self with the values you hold most dear. Advocate for yourself and what you believe to be upright and moral. The more aware you can stay of your thoughts, the faster you will be able to make this monumental shifts and start to live a more balanced, peaceful life.

1 comment

  1. Thank you for this reminder to allow my values to guide me, trust myself, and to be proud of myself for both of those things. You’re writing is like revisiting therapy and I really appreciate it.

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